You’re sitting in the receptionist’s office waiting for the big job interview that’s going to make or break your entire career. The receptionist steadily runs an emery board across the tips of her 8” long chartreuse-colored nails, her face set in a permanently vacant expression. The 24 clocks lined up on the wall behind her clicking away the hours in every time zone.
You turn your attention toward your more immediate surroundings. Beside you is your briefcase, still giving off the pleasant aroma of the leftover meatball sub from your lunch. Your Garfield keychain dangles freely from the attaché – you need it for good luck, of course.
You now focus on your clothing. You are wearing a sensible Oxford blue suit, with a red silk necktie tied in a conservative four-in-hand knot. Your wingtip shoes were just recently polished to a mirror finish, and your freshly ironed light blue pocket square sticks precisely 1.5” out of your left breast pocket.
In other words, your clothing is a terrible mess.
The receptionist tells you that the interviewer is ready to see you in the same tone veterinarians typically reserve for street cats they are about to euthanize. When you enter the office, the interviewer takes one look at you and bursts out laughing. “You wore that to a job interview?” he guffaws. “Hold on – Chet and Brad have to see this.”
All of the executives in the office gather around you, point their fingers, and laugh derisively. You try to keep your composure throughout the ordeal, but you begin breaking down after the executives start throwing wadded-up paper at you. You run crying out of the office building, rip off your necktie, and collapse sobbing on a park bench.
You get an email on your smartphone informing you that you have been permanently blacklisted from working at every company in the world. Next, the bank forecloses on your house, even though you didn’t have a mortgage on it. Your wife tells you that she is leaving, and she is taking the kids, dogs, cats, parrots, ferrets, and exotic fish. You are a broken man, reduced to sleeping in a dumpster behind the blood donation center in the roughest part of town.
All of this could have been avoided had you only learned how to dress appropriately for a job interview. Here is what you should have worn.
At Least Two Garfield Keychains
Everyone has a lucky Garfield keychain. But what most people don’t realize is that the luck-enhancing effects of Garfield keychains are cumulative. In no uncertain terms, the more Garfield keychains you have, the less effort you’ll have to put into your education, your career and your mental health.
Neon Green Zoot Suit
Nothing speaks confidence like a man wearing a zoot suit, and multiple recent studies by the American Psychological Association have confirmed that neon green is the most assertive color. Naturally, you cannot pull off a neon green zoot suit without a comically long watch chain, which you must hold and swing around at waist level. Do not worry about striking people with your chain, because they’ll get what you’re doing.
Comically Large Cowboy Hat
It’s okay if you can only afford a foam rubber comically large cowboy hat. You’ll be able to purchase a high-quality fur-based felt one after you’ve gotten the job. Make sure to work the word “doggie,” “caboodle” or “git” into every sentence, and express pressing concern about the arrival of high noon. Assure the interviewer that you are in fact rootin-tootin. This shows confidence.
These wheeled sneakers were immensely popular during the mid 2000s, but they remain the most efficient way of getting from point A to point B ever devised. People take note of a grown man wearing Heelys. Your job interviewer will take one look at your footwear and think to himself “Say, now there’s a guy who knows how to get from point A to point B efficiently. I’ll give him the big account.”
These pieces of armor were once essential to protecting the shins from broadswords and crossbow bolts during medieval combat. Such weapons have since become obsolete, but greaves still offer invaluable protection against mosquitoes and the corners of coffee tables. Make sure to polish your greaves to a fine sheen before leaving the house (for cosmetic purposes).
Pro-Second Amendment T-Shirt
Your interviewer will no doubt wonder whether you like guns. You could inform them upfront that you are armed and proceed to show them your gun. This power move can actually backfire if your gun is nicer than your interviewer’s, however, as they may get jealous! Simply wear a 2nd Amendment Shirt to your interview so they don’t have to wonder. You will most likely get the job before you even sit down.